On Ageing...

I´ve been thinking about my latest post here on my blog today ... and come to the conclusion it has to do with ageing.  I simply need more peace and quiet, time to rest, and really appreciate the small things life has to offer in that respect.

A picture of my mum and dad from many years ago comes into mind, as they were spending one of many Saturday nights in front of the telly watching some music show. Mum in her tv-chair and dad in that rocking chair he liked so much. And then dad would ask my mum "Shall we dance?" and mum would say "yes" or just nodd,  and they would get up and dance together on the living room floor. Back then I found it amusing, a bit embarrassing even ... but now I understand completely .... :)


When you tend to spend more time thinking about life, what has been, and what lies ahead that´s a part of the process of ageing as well, isn´t it?
My husband is for the time being working far away from home, and is usually only able to spend the weekends at home, which are shortened by the necessary travels. When he´s home,  he´s mostly climbing up and down our house walls ... I hardly ever get a chance to really spend time with him...It`s so true that saying, that you can´t really appreciate something until it´s gone...Our children are both in the process of untieing their bond with us. It ´s subtle and slow, but it´s an ongoing process, and completely natural ...ageing...

What do I want from life? That´s a million dollar question. Will I go on like I´ve done up til now considering family and work? Or should I try something else? What do I WANT? In a few years the children will leave the nest. What then? My mind is very much preoccupied with questions like these. My dream is for us to move abroad when there´s only the two of us left, somewhere nice, warm and beautiful or to a place completely different from this small town -  a big city would be tremendous as well!! I have a Capricorn husband ... his line of work enables him to work abroad, but those of you who know the Signs also know it has to be well planned before anything of that kind would take place ... reluctant to change, play it (too) safe by planning and organizing, some boring characteristics of Capricorns.... sigh...

Some people would call this a middle age crisis. I refuse to think about it that way. It is quite normal and healthy to think about changes in life every now and then. It keeps you alert and mobile. It shouldn´t stop once you´ve started your career, bought that house and car, got married and got yourself a family!! In my world, doing the same things year after year, silent, as those cynical lines of bitterness and boredom grow into your skin is a much less attractive option. And there are lots of people doing just that. I wonder if they know that it shows how fed up and sad they really are? How well you can see that in their faces, their eyes, the way they are and  move, their carriage, as well as in what they say.... ?

 I think changes in the inner landscapes, feelings and passions are up to the individual, his or her character and experiences in life. I don´t however think that inner landscapes change as a result of the process of ageing. As Brel put it in his song "d´etre vieux sans etre adultes" - that is fully possible! But the physical signs inevitably start to show, unless you put yourself under the knife...Fine lines turn into nonconcealable wrinkles, hair getting gray - thank god for the colour in the bottle ;),  bodyparts starting to ache.... well, I haven´t come as far as to aching bodyparts, but it´s probably around the corner ... in less than ten years. A vivid memory comes to mind,  when I saw myself in a mirror wearing my reading glasses for the first time. For a split second I was shocked and thought "who´s that?" ... and then I remembered. I looked so much like my mum...

One of Those Days ...

It´s one of those days ... The weather is beautiful; a warm late summer´s day, clear blue skies, the sun is shining and it´s warm. There are so many things I should do. There are so few days of summer left! I should go out and sit in the garden, warm fresh air ... but I open the door where I sit in the basement with the tiny window and just look at the beauty of it all. It would be a perfect day for mushroom picking. It´s been raining nights lately , how ideal, I just have to make use of that, and the fact that it´s a mushroom year, and I love mushroom dishes .... sauses... with potatoes and lingonberry..... mmmm...But, I´m sore from training at the gym, and I am really tired as well.  I don´t have the energy, what a shame, all those mushrooms.... I suppose I could read, but somehow I find it hard to concentrate.... I think I will just go and stare at the telly ... silly comedies and honeysweet family dramas in a row.... I´ll go and look at the pictures....until it´s time to make lunch. They´re all gone again ....

In a few hours I´ll have to wake up though, and I will. I will put that machinery going called inspiration, and I will hit the town with my son .... and later we will join the others celebrating :). But to tell you the truth, it is one of those days I´d rather have had coffee and newspapers in the garden, gone mushroom hunting with my husband, and combined the trip with a swim, and then made a nice dinner together sipping some wine... after which the sofa and the telly, us sitting beside each other, silent, having the leftover wine from dinner and a piece of chocolate as we´re just watching, and taking up that magazine or book if it gets too boring.... It´s one of those days. 

I should have tried harder to arrange that crayfish party, I should not have given in so easily, I should have talked to people earlier, I should have convinced my husband it´s ok not to do anything on the house for one weekend. But it kind of slipped through my fingers... and there´s work... oh dear, there´s always work. Work is tiring, I just want to rest during the weekends. Just listen to the silence and write, poems, maybe. It´s one of those days.

Deep Within the Corners of My Mind (Melody Gardot) / The Greatest Lyrics of All Time

Deep within the corners of my mind
I keep a memory of your face
And I only pull it out
When I long for your embrace

Deep within the corners of my mind
I'm haunted by your smile
As it promises me joys
Like a journey to a tropic isle

It's not hard to see what you do to me
It's like a page right out of fist time wave
Though I try to fight
All the word you write, leave me standing
In the starry robe in some tragic lovers place

But deep within the corners of my mind
I'm praying secretly
That eventually in time
There'll be a place for you and me

That eventually in time
There'll be a place for you and me
There'll be a place for you and me
Deep within the corners of my mind

The Paradox

We are the virtual people of cyber space .... some of us more and some of us less... Anyhow, something is changing, and for the worse. It has become ok to write nonsense-language, not only when u txt or chat,   especially young people take the freedom 2 do so on other forums as well nowadays.

Then there´s the reading. Few people read books anymore. The younger, the less they tend to read. They are slow readers, and they don´t understand what they read, because they´re not used to combine long text passages and thoughts. They don´t have a vocabulary to speak of. For most professions you need to read to learn and you need to read to widen your perspectives on life as well. So even the thinking will be affected.

In the era of global communication we will in time end up with a vast majority of semi-illiterate people who can not communicate any complex thoughts...? What a paradox.... what a disaster....

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Joy

morning dew on moss
reflecting sunbeams through haze
reveals yellow gold

...is this a Haiku .... is haze one or two syllables ...one according to pronounciation, two according to spelling .... so.... is this a Haiku?

this is what happens when you combine art and science ;)

Mouse wheel ...

Good Morning! I woke up irritated. Why? It´s the weekend!!! Then I got it: I´m in the Mouse Wheel again .... difference between working time and spare time blurs ... which is a very good explanation to why I go AWAY and FAR during my vacations ... except (usually) for the summer holidays... THEN I can relax!! After a week or two... ://

I think this is a dilemma I share with many souls. The difficulty to cut off, take distance and, especially forget about chores waiting to be done. The newspapers have kept telling us that we read our work mails during holidays and take work calls as well, thinking, well, that´s not that much, and there will be less things to attend to when I return ... But these cuts in your spare time are said to be unhealthy. You should cut off completely when you´re off.

I´ve written a little piece on this, Insomnia, for those of you who like poems :).

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Insomnia

Sandman´s gone
and left nothing
but a pair of itching eyes
wideopen

nervous heartbeats
flutter anxiously
filling out the
empty head
with ever growing thunder
moving down
to lower stomach

window pane and
wall paper pattern
contours taking shape
wall paper pattern
window pane

sound of alarm clock
newborn thoughts of
possible disasters
escape and fade
shoulders tense

leg uncovered
then the other
feet on the floor
dozing off
eyes close
forced open
after seconds
or minutes
of uncosciousness
as every bone cries for
sleep and rest
right this minute

LIGHTS ON!
Good morning!
Wake up everyone!

pasting smile on face
standing up
swaying....

La Chanson des Vieux Amants - The Song of Old Lovers (Jaques Brel) - The Greatest Lyrics of All Time

  

Of course we´ve fought with angry faces:
For twenty years loves mad at best.
A thousand times you´ve packed your cases,
a thousand times I´ve flown the nest.
Each chair and table still must smart
from war and thunderstorm and frost
that it´s endured from the beginning.
The whole is greater than the parts:
The taste for water you have lost,
and me, I´ve lost the taste for winning.

Oh my love,
my sweet, my marvellous, my tender love,
from early dawn until day´s end, my love,
I love you still, you know, I love you.

I know your tricks and your deceptions,
you know my spells and wiles and charms.
From traps you´ve given me protection:
Sometimes I´ve lost you from my arms.
Sure we´ve had lovers in our beds:
It helped when there was time to kill,
or with our bodies´ passions raging,
But in the end, when all is said
it seemed our only special skill
was never growing up, just ageing.

Oh my love,
my sweet, my marvellous, my tender love,
From early dawn until day´s end, my love,
I love you still, you know, I love you.

And each succeeding year uncovers
more opportunities for hurt.
Of traps that lie in wait for lovers
This one´s the hardest to avert.
Of course you take more time to cry,
I take a lot more work to crack.
We get more devious and clever.
You can´t let chances pass you by,
you have to learn to watch your back:
The tender war goes on forever.

Oh my love,
my sweet, my marvellous, my tender love,
from early dawn until day´s end, my love,
I love you still, you know, I love you.

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Jaques Brel

You are my Harbour

my Peace

on Calm Waters

where I breathe

calmly and rest,

protected

and safe.

I am your Ship

your Adventure

on the Seven Seas.

where you grasp

for air in the wind

heart pounding,

excited,

amazed.

Riding the waves

trustful,

knowing

they will pass

and there will be

beautiful sunsets

and rises

ahead....

It´s not

a magic fairy tale

It´s not

a bed of roses

But it is

for better and for worse...

You and me

and Jaques Brel ....

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

The Thinker

The Thinker

must think

until the thoughts are put straight

in the Thinker´s mind.

Then, and only then, the Thinker can rest,

be at ease, let go and leave it be,

occasionally give it a thought and remember,

smile, and return to other thoughts...

This is the Day

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Autumn Leaves

Autumn leaves

on my yard

in the park

on the path

Autumn leaves

peeled off trees

 memories

of summer scenes

Autumn leaves

frost on grass

brighter stars

ice on glass

Autumn leaves

pitchblack skies

late sunrise

a day that dies

Autumn leaves

smoke in air

Christmas fair

winter´s here

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

November Rain

Cold moisture

hits my face

a curtain

of finest drops

penetrate

my lungs

A musty scent

of cellar

Shiny black

pools of water

on the pavement

reflecting

the electric lights

Looking up

city life

at dusk ...

a modern

Monet painting

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Simple

Your arm

my head

your chest

my arm

your tummy

my thigh

You´re there

I smile

You talk

I don´t listen

So warm

and cosy

I shut

my eyes

and fall

asleep

Almost Blue (Chet Baker) - the Greatest Lyrics of All Time

Almost blue

Almost doing things we used to do

There's a manl here and he´s almost you

Almost

All the things that your eyes once promised

I see in his too

Now my eyes are red from crying

Almost blue

Flirting with this disaster became me

It named me as the fool who only aimed to be

Almost blue

It's almost touching it will almost do

There's a part of me that's always true... always

Not all good things come to an end, it is only a chosen few

I have seen such an unhappy couple

Almost me

Almost you

Almost blue

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Lessons

sedused

used

and played with

while waiting for

something better

left, abandoned

and forgotten

a broken toy

sedused

used

and played with

to kill time

and boredom

in the name of

exploring friendship

ending up

losing a friend

seduced

by love itself

one in a million

a real soulmate

adored and loved

adoring, loving back

so happy until ...

the agony of

waking up

to life as it is

incompatible realities

happens to soulmates

seduced

by comfort

ending

in a liaison

that worked well

nothing more

nothing less

and suddenly

essentials are missing

shut out

excluded

an outsider

replaced

no one´s fault

but one´s own

it takes two

to tango

the way it is

inevitable

You suffer

and mourn

and finally

you die a little.

Black holes

in your heart.

Everything that hurts

you throw in them

They are small

yet immense

the pain

buried in space forever

As in everything else

practice makes perfect

The best cure is distance

silence

shut your mind and mouth

just walk away

from it all

and leave it be

Nothing forgotten

nor forgiven

but efforts made

and lessons learned:

Do not trust words

it is the deeds that matter.

Always see the big picture

to avoid getting hurt.

Cherish your friends

and protect them.

In opposite to lovers

true friends are hard to find.

Find comfort in the thought

we all have more than one soulmate.

If you really want to

you can make someone your soulmate.

Almost.

Time does not heal

it teaches.

Finally

Choose, stand by and cherish

the faithful, kind and patient soul

that stands by you and supports you

and is empathic enough to always consider your feelings...

If you must

then make that soul your soulmate.

And

Life  is only perfect

for minutes at a time ...

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Aquaintances

You won´t ask me why

but I will tell you:

Because you asked me to.

I came to find out if something could

be mended or everything saved.

The way it used to be

before it happened.

You were someone

I could tell my inner thoughts

both distant and close.

So special and rare.

I won´t ask you why

because I don´t want to hear

it was not because of that reason.

I don´t want to hear

that you just wanted your life to be

harmonious and perfect.

Feel at ease and peace with your past,

a nice person in the eyes of yourself

as of everyone else

and not  a common bastard

who takes advantage

whenever he can and feels like it

at the same time

keeping up an adoring and  loving appearence

concerning people closest to him.

I don´t want to hear that.

I prefer to think

we had the same intentions.

That you decided

there was nothing to mend

or save.

Not worth the effort. Keep it shallow.

That we  are as distant as anyone would think.

Aquaintances.

Hello!

How are you?

Everything ok?

Please tell me before you leave...

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Now I Tell You

It takes time, I am not shallow.
Tormented by thoughts
on sleepless nights.
Time for a slow thinker
to once and for all
finish a chapter.

You said you think there was  something seriously wrong with me.

You do not know how much those words did hurt.
I was puzzled
and I never find the right words at the right time.
But now I tell you:
The fact remains
your deeds were fighting your words.
They both cheated and lied in every direction

There was something even more seriously wrong with you.

Knowing what I know now, as time has passed
just one more thing:
I would never try to find an answer in you.
Don´t flatter yourself.

You use,
you said it yourself,
in that you were honest.
You live your fantasies.

Everything you do is focused on what it means to you,
never on how it affects others.
All your life you haven´t  really had to consider
anyone but yourself.

This is how I see you.

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

The End of the Rainbow

Buds on naked branches

Crocus in chrystal ice

The rainbow in a water drop
I catch it in my hand...

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Please!

Don´t be too strong

don´t be too weak

Not too independent

Please don´t be meek.

Watch what you eat

choose sexy -wear

curvy is neat

an angelic dear

See he´s at ease

limelight - don´t enter

Don´t try to please

Be in the center

Take care of your looks

don´t use any hooks

just you be natural

learn from the books!

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

In memory of ex-couples

Why do we fail to keep

the loving feeling
strong and pure,

alive?

In our hearts we know

what love requires,

yet we neglect its needs.

We know, but we forget,

we abandon,
disregard and disrespect.

Focusing on other things

we wake up one day

with fragments of memories,

out of reach,

because we forgot....

We drift apart

and watch it happen

as the tide turnes

into a heavy current

we´re drawn into the

deadly twirl ...

love suffocates

and dies a painful death....

Then somehow

on the surface again

grasping for air

wondering what happened?

Love reborn and courting,

passionate even

Some things missing,

some things new

not better, not worse,

just different ...

Some

put a life west on,

and just float and drift

alone

lonely...

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Flush  ( Morning Sickness )

An industrial site
chimneys and smoke
eager, lime coloured
grumpy-faces
working hard

A few shipments a day
every morning
then they can relax
lay back and chill
and enjoy the treats
of the day.

Last shipment ready
sending off
starting mashinery
convulsing movements
a flush
another
delivery complete.

Wash your teeth,
blow your nose
straighten you hair
and your robe
Put on a smile
walk out that door

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Platonic Twitter

I love

the thought of you

knowing you are there

somewhere

sending me your loving thoughts,

smiling,

doing ... whatever you do ...

:)

Sitting under the apple tree

a warm soft breeze

the evening sun casts

its golden beams

on leaves and green apples

Suddenly

a twitter

A bird so still

on the branch

its eyes focused on me

"When did you get there?"

And I know

I´m not alone.

(C) Ann-Christine Lindström

Subtle

In love

there´s no forgiveness.

In love

you don´t forget.

Love dies

not simultaniously

and leaves a bitterness

The words and deeds
reveal it
however subtle it may be
A need to hurt
and you conceal it
just for the other one to see.

Going to work

After a long summer holiday it´s finally time for me to go and earn my bread again... It´s the same every year, about a week before work starts I start to feel unease ... my thoughts keep wandering off to work, nervous flutter in the upper stomach area, light feeling of panic .... I let go of the thoughts with a frown thinking, there´s still plenty of time, don´t spoil your last days of vacation. The day before I go to work it feels about the same, just more intense, and there´s no frown...I can identify the toughest moment though: It´s when I wake up that very first morning. All of a sudden I am so tired and could still sleep for hours .... why haven´t I slept in more? And why haven´t I used my time better? I feel glued to the bed, and then, finally I have to get up. Once at work I see many other faces are telling my story as well, which makes it all easier. In the same boat. Slowly things come to mind and the mashinery starts...There´s still one morning of anticipation and nervousness - and that´s the morning you wake up and know today the show really starts - SHOWTIME!